I just thought, I know what will entertain me for a bit, I’ll write a blog entry since I’m sat on a hospital bed all night I might as well try and sort out some of the feelings that I’m having.
I’m frustrated that I don’t know what I’m doing, and the parts that u do know what I’m doing with, people won’t let me do.
I need to be on my own – fact
I need to live with my dad so he can look after me – fact
I need to drink less – fact
I’m not as strong as people think – fact
I’m not the only person that has to listen to my shitty problems, no matter how shitty or irrelevant they are.
Once something’s happened, you can’t change it.
Blackberry keypads are
really annoying just awful to listen to.
next to me makes me feel a bit better.
I never, ever want to grow old so that people have to come and ‘change my position’. Oh, the thoughts not appealing.
I need to fix my life. I need to fix me. I need to fix my own mental health before I can even start to think about anything again.
I need to know that I can stand on my own two feet, the last 2-3 years have been hard, maybe too hard for me to think that I could just cope with it on my own.
I need to open up more.
I need to lean on people, when I’m not strong. I need to recognise when I’m feeling weak.
Now I feel weak, I feel weak as vulnerable. I feel like a new mother cat with her kittens around her. I feel open to the world.
and I hate it.
I hate having my heart open, my thoughts expressed, when tears stream down my face I feel like the world can see my heart trying to glue it’s self back together – and not doing a very good job, more with paper clips and chewing gum than anything of any actual use.
& now it’s got to the point of the night where I need to try and plan my great escape to go for a cig without the nurses shouting at me..
007 here I come..